Love Lost and the Regrets

She was an Hawaiian sunset, a flower to my soul. When I looked at her, my heart would sing a thousand songs. Her very breath on my face made me feel strong and alive. Even her name was beautiful. She was the first and perhaps only real love in my life. Her name; Benita

She sang like an angel, and smile that could put out a savage fire. I carried a torch for her many years until one day I just gave up. Of course I had her once, but I blew it all away. In fact we had plans to marry, but yet I examined my life, where I had been, scared of the future and decided she deserved better. Walking away without any other explanation that that, ruined what might have been.

Some years later she married a guy with selfish motives, a redneck conman who killed their one and only child. The man battered his 2 month old child to death because it wouldn't stop crying on demand. He spent only six months in prison out of his allotted six year sentencing. It may sound silly - but I to this day feel guilt. If only I had not walked away from her, this would be one grief she would not have known. In a round about way, this was my fault.

About a year after hearing this dreadful news, I tried to get back with her, but the woman was changed. This man had ruined the beauty she had in her soul. Her very perspective regarding God and life were forerver dashed to pieces. She died (in her heart) with the death of her child. Benita, forever lost.

God, I loved her. But its a page in the past. A love lost on a remote island of what was. No relationship I've ever had since, captured that same feeling I had for for her. Last I heard she has grown children and perhaps, hopefully so, a happy life with a fantastic husband. Today - my life is not that great. Perhaps when all is said and done, I did the right thing after all, if she's eventually had a good life. Even so, a still small faint voice inside asks, What if? Perhaps her life and mine would have been so much better. Alas, that's something I will never know.

As they say; It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.